Friends

Peace Love and Carrots

Rebecca

Dark Demons

I can remember being 16, there were some great milestones that year, my first car and things of that nature, but most of my teenage experience was very dark. Growing up hating your physical self is a great way to gain rage and resentment inside, but it wasn't until I was 16 that all that nervous energy got moved to something that became all the more sinister.

Christianity was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. At the time it seemed like a Godsend. I finally had an answer for what I was feeling inside, I finally had an answer for the aching raging maw inside my heart. I had Jesus now to heal me, and make me whole and nothing would ever be bad ever again. Sure trials would come, but the relationship I built with Jesus would help me see through those dark times. Its funny, because what would bring me ultimately to Christianity is what would hold me there and scar me for 6 long years. I am talking about fear.

Now fear was nothing new to me. Growing up transgender I was always afraid. I was afraid of being discovered, I was afraid of my family, I was terrified at how my body was developing. I cannot tell you the special hell it is to watch your body everyday virilize when it should by all means

femminize. By the time 16 happened I was well into puberty and pain and fear were regular companions by then. It was at that time I learned of a Bible Study under the fire escape at school. It was that fateful inclusion that started to justify my long held thinking and gave me something to focus on.Instead of now having to worry about my body or being discovered, I had to keep myself out of hell.I had Jesus to help me, but only if I did things his way, lived his way and listened to him.Everything in me I ever loved about myself, my true identity, my femininity, my otherness, everything I ever wanted to be was now demonic and evil. Why did I allow this some may ask. The answer is simple. It was an answer, I was so desperate, I was so lonely that I was looking for anything to give me a life raft, to give me some kind of explanation into why I was the way I was. I could no longer sit by the sidelines and just let it kill me. For the first time in my life I had a reason to live that was accepted and allowed me to deal with the "dark feelings" inside of me.

I have no doubt they meant well, but the pastors, deliverance camps and things of that nature that I attended with growing zeal all kept that fear of hell alive. With each day it grew easier and easier to believe in torment, because that is how I felt inside. I was in a constant war with myself, and that, they told me was a good thing. I was heroically wrestling the strong demonic oppression that was on my soul because I was to be a great man of God, and I was to fail I would be a traitor to the kingdom of God and an eternal suffering beyond all imagining would be waiting for me.

community on line and began to slowly live out an existence and a life I had only ever dreamed about. Since very young, I had had these ideas, these feelings that I was different, that I was female, and things like that, but this was the first time I knew I wasn't alone. It was so comforting to be able to reach out and have friends that had a struggle like yours, that felt how you felt, that wanted what you wanted. I was starting very slowly, and very casually to be myself. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt any kind of relief to the pain inside of me and it was amazing.

This was not without conflict. My beliefs didn't change and I was growing more concerned with my thinking. There was an amazing duality at the time. I'd have these little moments of freedom and peace , then I'd hate myself for days for betraying the true faith, and I would go back and forth and back and forth. I couldn't stay away from something that actually honored what I felt inside as good and true, but my conscious mind all the time saw it as demonic and evil. This was truly the war for my soul. It all came to a head one spring day in 2001. I had a single dorm room, and had a severeattack of guilt. I remember to this day how lonely I was, and how much I hurt and how much I was just so very tired. I decided that I was ready to die, that it would be OK because I knew what was coming. I was going to face eternity and start my eternal sentence in hell because life just didn't make any sense anymore. I went to the chapel and for 3 hours knelt in the 3rd pew crying and begging

God to speak to me, make it so I didn't feel so alone any more, and all I got was deafening silence. I wanted it to be like it was when I was online, I wanted to have that kind of friendship, without the judgment. I wanted to be myself, without having to reject the only answer I ever had as true, and they were mutually exclusive. I could hear the bible verse as I read them, over and over again, and I knew that the duality in me could not last, something had to die, me or the ideology and I was full prepared to let the ideology live. It was better, that way. Jesus said it, if your right hand offends you cut it off, rather enter life maimed than be whole and damned, but I decided that he didn't care about me, that I was a reject and a damaged soul, and it was time to stop delaying the inevitable march towards eternity. I went back to my dorm room with a razor blade, determined to end it, and then, when it seemed like my end was finally at hand, I literally heard a voice in my mind tell me it want worth it. I suddenly relaxed, noticed it was sunny outside and felt very woozy. I woke up about 16 hours later in bed, unhurt and unharmed and for the first time in a long long time I didn't hurt and I had some peace. What I didn't have was the theology I had imposed on myself for 6 years. It was at that moment, that I finally, after the long struggle accepted who I was. That was the day Rebecca really started her life. I had no idea at the time that is what happened, but if it wasn't for that cathartic moment that ultimately led to self acceptance I am convinced I would not be here today.

I still struggle. Hell and punishment was ingrained so fiercely into me that I still fear it sometimes. Sometimes that fear is overwhelming, but I have my path now. I know who I am and if it wasn't for that anchor I couldn't fight the demons that emerge from the scars of my past. I know longer see in me what is light as what is dark, and slowly after a lifetime of pain, anguish and despair, the cover is starting to match the pages, and my peace is only increasing. I still have a long way to go. I still have many old emotions, fears and feelings to work through, but I will do it, because I am me. I am Rebecca Jasmine Mickley, furry, transgendered, loving, hopeful, person, and I have found that my true journey, and everyones journey is to be themselves.

Current Location:	Nampa, Id
Current Mood:	drained
Current Music:	Blue October- HRSA

Peace Love and Carrots

Becca
The Renegade Rabbit

Current Location:	Nampa, Id
Current Mood:	stressed

But this week, Iʻve been at the Smart Marriages conference here in San Francisco where I wander like a black clad, sexological ghost among the bright pastels and pressed khakis of marriage educators from across the United States. Ironically, this conference was organized before the California legalization of gay marriages, and so now this location for this very heterosexually biased, monogamous, mainstream conference is now even more paradoxical, to say the least.

You can see I was prepared for an ideological disconnect, for immersion into aspects of American culture that are deeply entrenched in other parts of the country, but not so much here. Yes, I was prepared for that. I was prepared for culture shock and a mixture of personal and professional reactions, which range from observing that all the attendees are just so gosh darn nice to reeling in horror at some of the misconceptions thrown about as "givens."

One example is "sex addiction." No one questions this concept, this term, or its basis (or not) in research. If I conducted a survey at the conference (hey, not a bad idea!) I bet I would find that most people assume sex addiction is "real." Thereʻs no questioning, no debate, no investigation, and thatʻs whatʻs scary. And by now, no one wants to get rid of this particularly lucrative and parasitic "cash cow." Still, I pray, may it one day go the way of snake oil...

Sexologically, I sum up the experiences of the last few days and sigh, "weʻve got work to do." Though most of the people Iʻve met at the Institute are all active in many types of professions and some may even be making discoveries that are important, it seems that Sexology itself is rarified and somewhat limited in its current scope of reaching into the world! No one seems to say "ask the sexologist!" Itʻs always "go to your doctor!" Plus, "sexologist" gets equated with "sex therapist" rather easily and not necessarily accurately -- and Iʻm beginning to wonder if I donʻt prefer the term "erotologist" after all!

So, my fellow attendees at the conference are hardly ignorant people. These marriage educators and marriage counselors are educated, motivated, want to help. And if they want accurate sex facts, they can get ʻem -- though books, through internet, a course here and a workshop there. They can scramble together some idea of "the norm" (if there is a norm), sexually speaking, but they donʻt realize that what they lack is the sexological perspective! At the conference Iʻve found myself recommending SARs (Sexual Attitude Restructuring courses) every chance I got. People are so confused about this topic, and seem to feel helpless when faced with the problems of their clients! Small wonder, when so many of these packaged marriage education programs really seem to skim over the surface of sex, particularly when the sex may be anything beyond vanilla, hetero and married. Anything more complex gets pushed aside, quickly, with some embarrassment.

Now, Iʻve heard some good speakers at the Smart Marriages conference, and Iʻve learned a lot. I can learn something from any experience, truly. Itʻs all gold, or at least grist.

But sexologically speaking, the sole voice of erotic insight came from Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, and she was a delight to listen to. A slightly tart speaker, with erudition, wit, charm, and a sophisticated, international perspective sadly lacking elsewhere at the conference. Though she is urbane and steeped in the sense of erotic complexity and mystery, she is not an ivory tower type -- she has been too involved in the work of dealing with trauma.

One thing I liked very much, how she views most Americans as having a "fix it" attitude -- every problem has a solution -- and in her mind, erotic and sexual matters consist of "paradoxes which must be managed." This was lovely to hear, after sitting through some very formulaic sessions.

I did go, I must admit, in search of those formulaic, packaged "marriage education" courses. In fact, I took the PREP training, and intend, with some mutation and modification, to teach this. One of my purposes was to see what might be suitable for Asperger Syndrome couples and other situations where at least one partner needs explicit, step by step instruction in how to conduct long-term relationships.

And yet I feel Iʻve been all week in the belly of one very strange beast -- a beast made of polyester stuffing and naugahyde -- and like a "chicken in every pot," a creature politically funded and destined to reside in every "good" American home... Hmmm, perhaps what has got my flesh crawling is the scramble to "brand" the American marriage.

Steps....
steps..
steps,

always one more,
always a little more
a little farther
farther
farther to go.

Don't give up now
keep pushing
keep pushing
just a little more.

Thats it!
its just like that
your getting there
just a little more.

Keep working
keep working harder
its getting steeper
steeper
as you go.

Steps....
steps ..
steps,

up the hill
up the mountain
up the sheer wall
up you go!

Live your life
a little more now
a little more now
see who you really are?

Truth
a creaking revelation
slowly given
a little more today
because....

steps...
steps..
steps,

a little farther,
a little farther ,
today...

Truth's Dawn

I see her,
I see her more each day
out of the ashes
of the old me
I see my old self
slowly dying
slowly fading
surrendering
to truth
no more lies
no more defenses
hallow answers
defending soul
Now here
ever outward
To be myself
after so very long
to live and love
to feel the sun
to truly know
to truly be free
Truly living
truly striving
Finally, becoming me

_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Its a crazy time for me. I'm going through a lot and I mean a lot of changes and I am generally loving every minute of it. These last 6 months have been among the brightest and happiest in my life, and at the same time been some of the most introspective and challenging. I have had some interesting moments, like looking in the mirror about an hour ago and seeing more of a young lady there than a man, slightly tomboyish in slacks and a dress shirt but still there she was, Becca truly looking back at me. I cannot stress enough that this is so much more than a physical transformation. Even with my poems I cannot perfectly describe how amazing and how different I feel. It is not always a fun ride mind you but still, on the worst of days I feel like me and that's new for me. There is so much to learn and so much to do and so much to look forward to :)

I am really tired tonight, I got the scariest job interview call of my life today. A company called for Rebecca and is requesting an interview with her :) July is supposed to be my prep month and I was hoping to wait till next check to do my prep and stuff because I am beyond strapped right now but it is manageable. Still I am worried that I am going to totally blow my interview because I am going to have to tell them I am TG. As girly as I am looking I'm not there just yet. So yeah, it split my sleep into to 3 hour naps. Egads ranting!

I am happy, I am finding myself and my happiness more than I ever have in life. That being said, there are new and myriad challenges on the horizon that are both daunting and somewhat intimidating, I have no doubt I will some how make it, I have made it this far haven't I :)

Peace Love and Carrots,

Becca

The Renegade Rabbit

GRRR!

Becca
The Renegade Rabbit

Current Location:	Eagle, ID
Current Mood:	angry
Current Music:	Disturbed- Down with the Sickness

I had a great conversation with my Mom tonight, for the first time she called me Rebecca, and called me her daughter. I cannot tell you how much her support has mattered to me and how hard she is trying to accept me for who I am. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have family like I have.

Well, that's it for me. I am still pending with a law suit against my old Trucking Company for ruining my record. If any of you know anything about Vegas, or inroads to employment, housing anything please send a comment or email! I love you guys!

Peace Love and Carrots!

Rebecca

Current Location:	Eagle, Id
Current Mood:	nervous
Current Music:	Matchbox 20, How Far we've come

This opportunity to lecture as part of the Summer 2008 Basic Lecture Series came about very quickly, due to problems filling the timeslot. Like a Broadway understudy whoʻd been diligently rehearsing her lines in seclusion, I jumped at the opportunity to share my passion -- the sacred and social sexual traditions of old Hawaiʻi, and the impact of Western society and U.S. colonization on this formerly sane and sophisticated sex-positive culture. The lecture was called "Leʻaleʻa O Na Poe Kahiko - Joy of the People of Old."

I was well prepared, with almost three hundred beautiful, colorful, culturally rich slides covering everything from hula maʻi to kaona, from erotic place names to subincision... After all, Iʻve been an ardent student of Hawaiiana longer than Iʻve been a formal student of Sexology. Three hours was only enough time to get through 2/3 of my material. Iʻm obviously going to have to break up the slide show into two or three components.

The students liked it, though, and even with the technical difficulties, had a good experience. I got to "talk story" as well as impart information and images, and play segments of hula and other cultural footage.

My favorite story concerns the time I began hula, along with my then eleven year old daughter. We were learning to dance to a song with a line that translated as "without that round thing, there is no intimacy." My daughter was curious: "Mom, whatʻs that ʻround thingʻ?" As I was not a sexologist then, and had no idea of what I should or could properly say, I could only stammer, "um, itʻs a wedding ring, dear!"

Things have changed since then, I am happy to say.